More Wack A$$ Movies

1st off I originally put up a post about "dope wack movie experiences" and I was talking about dope bad movies. Well, I was looking at the traffic and found a ton of porn sites were referring this in their search engine. I guess when you type in your search engine "dope movies to wack off to" you would come across my page. So, for those of you that stumbled across my page and the closest thing to porn you found was me talking about "Manos: Hands of Fate," sorry.

Like I mentioned last go round, Netflix is great for watching bad film, especially when browsing their streaming selection.  Granted there are a lot of good movies available for streaming, but there are a WHOLE lot of bad ones that they were able to get rights to for very little money.  Due to this advantage, Kath and I recently went on a 3 day binge of wack movies, one worse than the next.  (and not all were streaming for the record)

We eased our way into it with "Krull."

Because "Spaceship Mountain & Magic Ninja Star" is too long of a title.

Now, as a kid I remember thinking this movie was so bada$$ and honestly it was one of those films that was just better in memory much like, "Labyrinth" or the "A-Team" series.  Honestly, this isn't a bad film and it's actually a step above "Beastmaster," but it doesn't mean it's a good film.  Of the three movies we watched, it was damn near "Citizen Kane" though. 

Here's the story... a prince and princess of two families of woe decide to get married.  An alien monster king and his spaceship mountain decide to crash the party and kidnap the princess.  The prince wakes up and a wise man tells him he is the chosen one and must find a magic ninja star/switchblade to get the girl back.  He decides to go on a quest to find so said item and does within the first 15-20 minutes of the film.  (a quest that can fill WHOLE movies)  Awesome, he's got the bada$$ ninja star, now he can use it to get everybody out of a sticky situation throughout the quest.  Wrong.  The wise man said he can ONLY use it at the end of the movie.  Thanks Obi-buzz Killnoby.  The rest of the film is filler as they are joined with people on their quest that fill their need when needed.  Finally they get to the spaceship mountain and he gets to finally use the bada$$ ninja star that's on all of the movie art.  Does bada$$ery follow?  (spoiler alert)  Well, kind of, but the thing is, it's not what kills the evil alien king... it's the love that only a cheesy prince and princess have that kills him.  So... why did he even get the ninja star/switch blade in the first place and you tickle our balls waiting to use it?  I digress...

Up next...  "Flash Gordon"

This was one of those movies that I would stumble across on TBS all the time and would watch bits and pieces of it till I would get board or the next set of commercials would drop.  Where do I start with this one.  It's one of those movies that you look back and think, "epic fail."  It's 1980, so it's post "Star Wars" and therefore studios and sci-fi movies KNEW they needed to step their game up.  Dino De Laurentiis was involved in the production, so you know there's some serious dough involved, but ultimately despite the cast of well know actors mixed with the wack ones, you'd think it could carry itself.  Nope. Ultimately the thing that most people remember from the movie is the theme song Queen wrote.

Max Von Sydow got the ill bead work.

When we got the movie in the mail I remember telling Kath that I couldn't remember if I ever watched it all the way through or not.  Well, I'm pretty sure I didn't ever watch it all the way through and it honestly was pretty hard to watch all the way though.  One thing Kath kept saying throughout the film was that there was amazing bead work on all of the costumes.  Well that makes up for the horrible acting, script, special effects etc.  Oh... and in a way like in "Krull" love saves the day, but instead it's more the "human spirit" that always gives Flash, his lady and the nutty professor sidekick the upper hand.  (forget those lazers)

1980 and you can see the friggin' strings.  Dino... step your game up.

Best quote: "No, not the bore worms!"  What are the bore worms?  You only know they're bad, but you never see them and know they were used on Ming's daughter after he said they could be used to interrogate her. 

Finally to cap it all off, we ended with "Xanadu."  Yes, THAT "Xanadu."  Craptastic!!!

I'm not a huge fan of musicals, despite being heavily involved in theater in high school.  BUT, I can appreciate a good musical like "Chicago," "Phantom of the Opera" or "Miss Siagon."  Xanadu is not like these though.

The only thing I really knew about this movie were roller skates and Olivia Newton-John.  Didn't miss much.  Here's the basic story.  A painter can't make it on his own, so he gets his old job with a record company back painting record covers.  (boo friggin' hoo... he's at least doing something he enjoys... a$$hole)  And the best part is his boss doesn't REALLY bust his balls, but he always freaks out on his boss at every moment being totally insubordinate and never getting fired.  In fact he fires himself when he has one of his little tantrums in front of his boss later on in the film.  Anyway... the story... or what story there is.  He's a painter, Olivia Newton-John comes out of a street painting and inspires him.  (spoiler alert: because she's a Greek muse... DAH-DA-DAAAAAAAHHHH)  He meets and becomes friends with Gene Kelly and for some reason when just meeting this guy he wants to invest all of his money into starting a night club, despite the painter having no money and he, Gene Kelly, being 30 years out of touch.  Sounds like a smashing success!  (cough... I mean Xanadu) 

The real problem with the film isn't just the story, although MANY musicals suffer from bad story lines, it's everything in general.  The story, the production value, the acting... everything.  Now, most musicals use the music to propel the storyline, but in "Xanadu" the music is just inserted and at points totally unneeded.   Also, there's an entire animated sequence that comes out of nowhere and makes you wonder if you're "trippin' balls man."  My wife, in fact when this sequence started said, "are you seeing what I'm seeing?"

Gene Kelly, in one of his last performances, seems almost annoyed by the film and you can see him in the scenes with a plastered on smile that you would have when you don't have anything nice to say.  You want to roll your eyes for him as each scene he has with the male lead makes you go, "you're Gene effin' Kelly!"  I will say in true Gene Kelly fashion, "Xanadu" uses the music and dance sequences to fill in plot inconsistencies or baffle the audience in general.  (hey, sorry... even my wife who loves Gene Kelly will admit this)

This movie was by far the worst of the three films we watched and honestly was the hardest to get through.  (and Flash Gordon was almost unbearable at moments) We did actually have to hit the fast forward button a few times to get through this one.  (ouch)

Despite all three of these films being almost unbearable, it all boils down to what I said in the last post about wack movies, it's the experience.  You have more fun enjoying the experience of watching wack movies than the actual film itself.  That being said I still haven't seen "Ishtar."