Vampire Movies that Suck (BLAH!!!)

It would be REAL easy to jump on the bandwagon and talk about how much the "Twilight" saga sucks and who knows... I may, but I'm at least going to start off on some other films.  Vampire films are all different because they don't all subscribe to the same mythology.  (like lumbering or running zombies)  Some films have vampires that hate crosses, some can't withstand silver and some sparkle like Adam Lambert & Ziggy Stardust when they get in the sun.  (crap... I've already started talking about Twilight)

Where to start...

Well... for some reason people in Germany and the Ukraine visit my blog, so I'll start off with a movie directed by a German that was most likely shot in the Ukraine. 

Bloodrayne

Uwe Boll, hate him or really hate him, has made a name for himself by making films out of video games, using loopholes in German tax laws to finance his films and being just a plain old douche bag.  But, with his "Ed Wood" like film making he has made a career out of bad cinema. 

"Bloodrayne" is one of those movies that when reading the cast list you think, "WOW this should be pretty decent."  Wrong... wrong... oh so wrong.  I remember when this movie came out, it was one of the 1st times I saw a review in EW get an "F."  I for one couldn't believe that Ben Kingsley would be in a vampire movie and one that would get such a horrible review.  Just a few years prior he was in "Sexy Beast" playing one of the most menacing assholes in history... how could this be?  Well... it be and he be not the only one.  Granted Michael Madson has never had an amazing career, but he's worked with Tarentino on a few films, so you'd think he wouldn't be down for a movie like this.  Michelle Rodriguez had all that hype from "Girl Fight" and was building a solid resume, why this project?  And Kristanna Loken just did "Terminator 3," shouldn't her clout go up just a little?  (despite her acting)  I do not have answers for any of these questions.

The story, if you can really follow it is as follows.  Rayne is a half vampire half human who's father is technically the "king" of vampires.  (Ben Kinglsley)  He raped her mom and killed her.  About twenty years have passed and she want's to get her Inigo Montoya on.  She links up with some vampire hunters and there's something about a secret thing that can do something crazy.  (i.e. vampire body parts of the original vampire)

Wait a second... I thought I saw this movie before with Wesley Snipes?  Oh... this isn't "Blade"?  Oh... my bad... continue.

Michael Madson's Mullet is EPIC!!!

^^^Ok, so that part where it says "she lusts," it is honestly the most over the top gratuitous sex scene I've scene I've seen in a long time.  Not to ruin any plot points, but then again there isn't much of one, the vampire hunters throw her into jail and for no reason what so ever she just jumps this guy and takes her top off.  It's ment to be hot, but actually looks more like a broke ass porn on Cinemax that takes place in a medieval prison/dungeon.  I honestly started laughing my ass off and my wife just said, "WHAT?!"

From the horrible dialog, fake looking swords, almost non-existent plot, Michelle Rodriguez slipping in and out of an accent and Michael Madson's mullet, it's one of those films that seems to have had GREAT ambitions, but failed at everything.  Oh... I can't forget resident cool guy Billy Zane.  (do you REALLY think he'd be Zoolander's wing man?  Billy Zane is only Billy Zane's wing man)

Well, if this movie wasn't sh!tty enough there was a straight to DVD sequel and a 3rd one that was filmed at the same time as "Blubberella."

Dracula: 2000

The title in itself says it all.  Dracula... IN THE FUTURE!!!  Well, it's not really the future, but it was 2000 and they wanted to revamp, no pun, the whole take on Dracula.  (so it ended up with a B-list title)

Full disclosure, I ONLY saw this move because my co-worker at Hollywood Video said Vitamin C was naked in it.  (anybody remember her?)  In all honesty I hardly remember much of this movie.  I even forgot or knew that Gerard Butler was in it as Dracula, but I will say he does have one great line. "I don't drink... coffee."  And homie bangs Vitamin C on the ceiling, straight Lionel Ritchie style.  How baller is that?!  Flying sex!

Gerard Butler's hair is also EPIC!!!

I actually had a movie pass that I used for my friend Carlos and I to go see it and I remember when it was over I could only think, "damn... a free movie and I saw that sh!t?"  Now, although I can't really remember much of the movie I mostly just remember the AMOUNT of disappointment I had after watching it and my co-worker saying it was such a cool vampire movie.  I will most likely have to cop this joint again to fully enjoy it.  (or not)






Finally to add to this trio of bad hair vampire movies...

Vampire in Brooklyn

In the early to mid-90s in Olympia there was a $1 theater that would show all sorts of movies and they didn't care how old you were if you wanted to go see an R rated film. This theater is where I saw "Pulp Fiction" and "Heat" when they came out.  Growing up, half the time my parents would want to go see one movie that I could care less about, so I'd check something else out that I was mildly interested in.  Enter "Vampire from Brooklyn."

Eddie Murphy... the most EPIC hair of all!!!  Jerry curl mullet!!!

I honestly can just imagine the pitch in the studio office.  "Well... Coppola did 'Dracula,' so to get the black demo, lets redo it with Eddie Murphy!  First he was looking for a bride in Queens... now he'll be looking for a bride in Brooklyn!"  High fives all around guys... high fives.


The thing is, that pretty much sums up the whole movie.  But, it's modern... as in the 90s and like many Eddie Murphy movies made after "Coming to America" he dons all sorts of make up to play different characters.  What does this mean... well see for yourself because the whole thing is up on youtube.  (see below) 





A lot of people argue that if this was released now it would have been a lot more successful.  I'm not sure.  Although Eddie Murphy was in slump at the time, pre "Nutty Professor," the film as a whole couldn't find it's niche.  It wanted to be a horror, it wanted to be a comedy, but couldn't find it's footing in either.  You ended up with an hour and a half of "meh."   

What's really lame is that Wes Craven did the last two movies I mentioned.  Honestly fam... I know you can do good stuff, but those were pretty lame homie.  Been caught slippin' I guess.

And what do ya know... I didn't even go on a rant about "Twilight."